It’s ‘Teen Mom’ time, so naturally there will be talk about Cate’s cooter…you’re welcome.

You made it! Last week’s episode of Teen mom: Next ChapterThe drama was intense: Ambie fighting to get custody. DeJesusA trip under the knife, coven or even an entire journey. Catelynn! It’s going to be hard to top last week’s episode’s  unless of course, people start throwing chairs/shoes/full Diaper Genies at one another. It’s what it is. ‘Teen Mom,’This is possible.

This is the first episode. ‘er in the holler with Leah and the girlseseses. Leah is showing “the gals” her new house, giving them a tour of the patio, and a living room with wallpaper greener than Addie’s teeth after eating a can of St. Patty’s Day frosting.

(Sadly, we didn’t get to see Leah and Jaylan‘s lovenest— where the next girlseses will surely be conceived— or Jay’s closet, where he keeps an ample supply of ladies’-sized trousers and matching logo-emblazoned coats.

“Jaylan suggested we paint a floor-to-ceiling mural of him right here.”

Jaylan and Leah received questions from producers about their marriage. Everyone is trying their best to act like there isn’t a producer standing two feet off camera, prompting the twinseseses to ask about marriage, but, much like Leah taking her real estate exam, they are failing miserably.

Leah quizzed the girlseses if they would marry Jaylan or her. Aleeah says yes. Jaylan is shocked that Ali also said yes, given the fact that every time Jaylan’s been around Ali since we’ve met him, she’s looked like this:

Ali is not having any of Jaylan’s cheesy speeches, too-tight clothes or constant photoshoots…

Aleeah has really put in a lot of effort for this episode. She then asks Jaylan and Leah if there will be any spawn shooting out of Leah’s hooter any time soon. Jaylan, Leah and their surprise discovery was that they are seeking another sibling. Aleeah stated even that she would like a girl who can dress. “it” up. I think that’s nice…)

“If you could keep the baby-making to a minimum until I leave for college, though, that would be great.”

Jaylan says he doesn’t care if he has a boy or a girl, but he prefers a boy. (That’s not surprising, given that he will probably be sharing clothes with the kid a few months after he pops out of Leah’s spawn shooter.) 

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Leah acts like she’s surprised to hear that Jaylan wants to add another kid to her already extensive litter. (Um… didn’t they talk about this before buying a house together?)

“I didn’t intend on having any more children,” Leah says. 

Leah asserts Jaylan is now with her and all their money so that she can (and her legs!) The idea is open to discussion.

The next step is to travel to Michigan. CatelynnThis is a powerful statement “the gals”It was her belief that she was having a baby. “house full of kids and basically a zoo” but now that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

Um…she already has three Not-Carlys, a bunch of therapy horses, cats, dogs and an occasional Butch The Octagon: Living the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers. I think you’re there, girl.

Each household should be described in great detail ‘Teen Mom.’

Cate tells females that Cate’s body no longer makes her suitable to make them. TylerShe is a mother and wants Tyler to make her spawn. OrFear of getting pregnant by another Not-Carly. Therefore, Catelynn tells Tyler that it’s time for him to get a vasectomy…or, as she so eloquently puts it, “get your balls snipped.” 

Ew. Catelynn, thank you so much for making me think about Tyler!

Tyler doesn’t even fight the ball-snipping suggestion. Tyler claims that he wanted to be neutered long before Not-Carly was born.

“Our biological job to our population and our species is done!” he declares.

“I can see if the dude who snipped my salt-n-pepper mullet is free to snip your balls. You gotta pay him in Pall Mall ciggies, though.”

While Ty is happy to go get his junk weed-wacked, he’s still a little mad that the universe gave him four girls— Carly and the three Not-Carlys— and never a son.

MTV then starts pumping some weird disco music for a scene about Tyler’s balls. As you do…

Later, Cate’s friend (who is, of course, named Amber because everyone in Catelynn’s life is named Amber, I swear) comes over to talk about Tyler’s balls.  Amber asks Catelynn if she’s going to regret Tyler having a vasectomy. 

“When do you decide, like, how many kids is enough?”Cate questions.

“I feel like there’s been a Not-Carly comin’ out of my cooter for the last decade! I’m DONE!”

Catelynn says having four Tyler spawns has been rough on her body, and she doesn’t want to keep popping them out. She admits that she’s sad that they never had a boy, despite all the procreating they’ve done, and how disappointed she is that she got stuck with three female Not-Carlys. She does all this even though Nova, Nova’s daughter, is there. 

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Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Cheyenne Are you looking for a storyline that isn’t about your characters? “the incident”Also called when Zach‘s “friend” got the fam showered with bullets and whatnot.) This week, she’s scrapping the bottom of the storyline barrel by talking about her daughter Ryder’s nail polish line launch. 

Chey asserts that Ryder enjoys painting nails. NaturallyYou have to make a complete line of nail colors just for her. (Um…when we were kids we were using whiteout to paint our nails but OK…)

As ridiculous as this whole thing is, I’m loving Ryder’s adorable baby business blazer…

Cheyenne later speaks to Zach about his plans to leave the neighborhood. He says he’s ready to flee following the shooting.

Hmm…imagine that…

Cheyenne stated that Ryder wishes to be allowed to bike outdoors in safer places. “stray”Again, they are in danger of being shot.

Cheyenne’s hair is completely different in the next scene. (Damn! I miss the good old days. “Teen Mom,’ when the producers would make the girls wear horrific Halloween Fright Night wigs to cover up any changes they made to their hair to keep the continuality.) 

“Zach said it would be good for me to have a new look…one that would make it hard for people driving near us to recognize me. I’m not sure why…”

She refers to her as her sister. Is it really possible to not address the hair change?The nail polish launch would be a great topic for discussion UndMoving is possible. R U Gonna Have A Guest Room For Me says it would be a great idea to move out of the house and neighborhood, so Chey wouldn’t have “the reminder”Her involvement in shooting was a matter of concern.

Cheyenne, Zach and a realtor go to some houses being built on a cul des sac not far from their home. Cheyenne enjoys the privacy and security offered by a gated community.

They both look at each others and realize that the dirt they love is something they share. They decide to buy the dirt. “it”The whole thing was completed in no time. It was easy!

This episode will take us to Modesto (California). AshleyKeep it down Bar wraps up his stint in rehab. Although Ashley has been able to talk to her four-browed boo on the phone while he’s away, she’s “frickin’ lonely”Is he waiting for you? (ApparenYou can find it herely the Ye Olde Pocket Rocket just ain’t doing the trick anymore?) 

Bar calls Ashley and says he can’t believe he’s been at the ‘hab for almost 30 days, as if Ashley hasn’tSpouse In the Rehab House app keeps track of her day. 

Here’s a summary of the first month of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’ episodes.

Ashley says Bar’s 30-day absence has also been tough for their daughter, Holly. Ashley peeks into her house in order to show her point. “can find”Holly tells Holly her father is calling and she wants to speak with him. Holly is more happy than ever when she drags her sex along the hallway. ShenShe received a brand new selfie “fine ass” son.

Bar tells Holly that he’s going to be coming home soon and Holly can barely contain herself. 

Here is the origin of the squeal HinterCamera. Needless to say, the crew has been short on content in Bar’s absence.

Later on, Ashley calls her mom, TeaHolly asked Holly if Holly could have her watch Holly as she collected Bar from the airport. Ashley tells Tea that Bar is flying in from Texas and is under the impression that he’ll be taking an Uber home, but she’s actually planning to surprise Bar and meet him at the airport herself. 

You are being summoned to appear in court. It must be done in a franchise.

Tea asked Ashley whether she’d be open to having Bar in her house soon. Ashley is unenthusiastically honest with her answer. “yeah.”Tea Says Bar at a Place “where he can get his ducks in order,” and she’s proud of him for getting the help he needed. Ashley says she’s proud, too, but wants to stress (again) that “it’s been a long 30 days.”  

Ashley, could you think of a catchphrase that would work? We can’t wait to see her pair it with her signature twerking move.

Down in Florida, it’s time for another DeJesus celebration– and no, Briana isn’tAnother lawsuit victory party held in an Airbnb’s living room. This particular celebration is for Stella’s preschool graduation and because her dad, LuisBriana is answering her dad’s phone, and occasionally showing him his facial expressions. She trusts her big-headed, blonde daddy to be kind. Show up. 

Include exclamation points or gaggles if you have to. “Lu Lu The Fool”You mean business.

Briana tells Brittany that she’s informed Luis of Stella’s graduation details and she’s confident that he’ll showEven if he has to get up at 3:00 AM, he will. (I’m sure it’s hard to roll out of bed after a lit night of spinning tunes at the Orlando Denny’s.)

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Brittany suggests Briana have an emergency plan in place in case Luis decides to leave.show, but Briana–- who has clearly never learned a single thing from one of her many mistakes–- is convinced that Luis won’t let them down. 

“Luis won’t let you down? Hahaha good one, and I suppose you tell people your butt is real too, huh?” 

On the day of Stella’s car-parade graduation, Briana and Co. load up in their decorated vehicle and head out, right as Briana receives a text from Luis asking what time the graduation starts. When Briana informs him it’s happening now, Luis replies, “Damn I thought it was later.” 

I am shocked. I am shocked. 

Raise your hand if you aren’t surprised that Luis overslept and if you plan to handle it– with your high heels— later…

Back at home, Stella’s graduation party begins with some backyard hibachi and water-gun squirting. 

We don’t know what the hell is happening here, but we hope whatever it is gives Luis major FOMO.

The celebration is in the middle (and nowhere else). RoxanneAnnouncement: she “just realized” Luis isn’t at Stella’s fiesta. Before Roxanne has a chance to say anything else, Briana stops her and says they’re not talking about Luis right now. As for Stella, she isn’t letting her no-showing deadbeat dad rain on her graduation parade. 

“Good call on not hiring a DJ for the party, mom.”

Meanwhile, Leah is getting all gussied up to go celebrate her best friend’s 30th birthday. However, it isn’t true. “friend”You are wrong! ChasityOr Kayla-with-the-asymmetrical-bob. Leah has seemingly ditched all her holler pals for new, sophisticated broads who go to fancy restaurants (that serve wine…NOT out of a box) and say things like “We gonna turn up!”The Ashley is very disappointed.

“And to think, if I had stayed with the dern Corey Tyler, I’d be stuck eatin’ cornbread in the country instead of livin it up!”

Jaylan’s twin sister JessRandomly joins in the festivities, even though almost everyone at the table doesn’t know her. (But, hey, MTV probably told them that if they let Jaylan’s sister come to their party, the network will foot the bill for the Ubers and whatnot.) 

Although the dinner was supposed to be about a friend celebrating his birthday, Jess transforms it into Jaylan and Leah getting married and having babies. MTV actually offered Starbucks gift cards to those who wanted MTV’s family and marriage discussion to be promoted on this episode. 

Leah is now the focal point of the evening, and the whole table sits in silent. 

“If I’m gonna have to listen to Leah blabber about Jaylan all night, I’m gonna need a lot more shots. Seriously, just set the bottle in front of me.”

The next day, Leah and her crew rent a boat to celebrate her random friend’s birthday. Jaylan, Leah’s potential friend, is again an option for Leah. Jaylan then suggests Leah bring Jaylan with her. Leah and Jaylan have children. The birthday girl, who is white, has a child. Leah asks Leah about it.

“White, black or whatever, my kidseses all get the same amount of frosting for lunch and canned raviolis for dinner!”

Leah begins to panic when Leah learns about the experiences of other Black girls raising Black children. 

Leah later spoke to Leah and said that her conversation regarding race was really troubling. Elle vows to improve society.

I don’t know about you all, but I’m breathing a sigh of relief that Leah Messer Simms Calvert (almost) Mobley is gonna be tackling that pesky racism problem we have!

“I’m gonna be standin’ in my ding-dang power, y’all!”

Catelynn from Michigan says the truth “the gals”Tyler must have been very nervous to get his balls taken. (Sadly, none) “gals” tell Catelynn to stop talking to them about Tyler’s ballsack so this uncomfortable conversation continues.)

“Don’t worry, gals! I’ll ask the doctor if we can live-stream the vasectomy so you guys don’t miss a moment!”

Tyler appears to have no idea that pain could result from a surgery. Catelynn is laughing her sidebangs off, talking about all the frozen vegetables she’s going to put on his neutered nutsack. 

Tyler calls up GaryHe had (on video) an operation to have his vasectomy a couple of seasons back. 

Sadly this MTV moment is permanently burned into my memory…

“I’m here to talk about your f**king balls!” Tyler tells Gary. (I meant who). doesn’t want to talk about Gary’s balls? Me. (The solution is me.

Gary assures Tyler that Tyler will also feel this way. “pretty much everything,”The area is numbing, though. 

“They freeze the area with cold air before they cut it,”Gary confides in Tyler that Tyler is becoming more anxious.

“Bro it wasn’t that bad. It hurt worse than being shoved against the wall by Amber, but not as much as when she kicked me down the stairs!”

Gary shouts at Tyler, who tells Tyler that it is possible for his eyes to burn during the procedure. 

Dr. Gary then answers Tyler’s burning (no pun intended) questions about the vasectomy. He informs Tyler that Tyler will continue making sperm post-snipping so the sperm won’t be destroyed. “die”Allow it to absorb into the body.

“I’ve got plenty of Tupperware to keep it in if that doesn’t work!”

Gary and Tyler discuss then their um. “juices” that come out when they’re boning their broads.

“Less mess is good for me!” Tyler says.

JESUS GOD LEAH.

I should, for making me endure this conversation…

Ugh. That’s enough television for today.

Gary said that he wishes he could have another child now. He misses the company of his children. Gary and Gary share fatherhood moments, as well as the sweetness of their moment. They then begin to make heartfelt music. It’s almost forces my lunch to go back down and not be upchucked due to visions of Gary and Tyler’s balls.

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Ashley informs us that Ashley will be there when we return to check in. “the gals”Bar surprised at airport by her surprise plan. She admitted that it was a tough job. Your secrets are safe “holding water,” so she’s just hoping she can pull it off. (Wait…is she trying to say she has to pee? Can’t they pull over? I’m confused.) 

“Umm no, Leah… it’s actually been a long 30 days, thank you very much.”

We see Ashley entering the airport and greeting the Bar at the baggage check. Side note: Why would anyone choose to sing these lyrics? “still drunk on you”A reunion scene from rehab After a long 30 Days hug and some tears, Ashley bends over and reminds Bar what he’s been missing while he’s been away: a mic pack.  

“Mic up, Bar– we’re on the clock!”

She gives him a celebratory twerk and then they pack up Bar’s suitcase (which surely contains his Famous “Shoot Loops”TeeYou can take a left and get home.

Once they’re in the car, Bar says seeing Ashley in the airport made “my heart fall into my ass.”This bar is romantic and truly special!

Ashley tells Bar the surprises aren’t over just yet, as Holly doesn’t know Bar is coming home today. When they arrive at home, Ashley heads inside first and tells Holly there’s an Amazon package waiting for her at the door. Holly rushes outside to discover Bar waiting for her. 

“So is there an Amazon package, too, or is this it?”

After a day of surprises/heart-in-ass moments, Ashley and Bar begin to settle back into their routine at home. Bar writes about his rehab experiences, admitting there were many surprises. “mixed emotions” when he first arrived, because he didn’t know what to expect in that environment.  

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: it’s been a long 30 days!” 

Bar discusses also his rehabilitation support system. He says that while away, he learnt many things, such as how to prioritize his life. Still, Bar lets Ashley know he’s not “100 percent changed,”However, he is now able to see that “drinking was a symptom”His “actual issues”He was strong in his emotions. Ashley tells Bar she’s proud of him and says he should also be proud of himself. 

“Nope, that’s my line.”

Back in Los Angeles, it’s the day of Ryder’s nail polish launch! (I’m sure you’ve all been holding your breath in anticipation!) Cheyenne is known to be outrageous, and the party will have you laughing until your eyes. They’ve hired a DJ for the event. (We can assume it’s Briana’s deadbeat baby daddy, LuisHe’d spin the music and have the sandwiches ready for when he needed them. 

Cory You can stop by and marvel at Cheyenne’s extravagant family shenanigans. 

“All that’s missing is a giant portrait of my face painted in nail polish!”

Ryder thanked Ryder later for the kind words. “Daddy and Daddy.” (That had to have stung Cory a bit, but not as much as it stung Cheyenne’s sister who seems to have done all the actual work to put this event on.)

“R U Kidding? I don’t even get a shoutout?”

Chey will tell you later “the gals”Zach and her made a downpayment of the dirt property after they had only looked at it for two minutes. Cheyenne is congratulated by everyone for her purchase of The Land Los Angeles Edition.

Cory comes over and Chey and Zach tell him that the The Land they bought is very close to Cory’s house.

We wrap up on Tyler’s Big Cut Day. Tyler and Catelynn are heading over to Tyler’s for his. “nuts snipped”This is what Katelynn continues to repeat, much my dismay. 

Catelynn’s real face when I use the word “nuts.”

Tyler keeps trying unsuccessfully to get Catelynn’s agreement to wait and have another child before he has the vasectomy. Cate isn’t buying it. You are notIt. She is silent while driving him to Da Clinic. 

She finally tells him that it’s his body so he can do whatever he wants with it. Tyler loves that he can reschedule Tyler’s snip.

Later Catelynn tells Tyler’s camera that Tyler got her. “cold feet.” (I suppose that’s better than “burning balls?”) She says she isn’t mad that Tyler didn’t have the procedure (although there probably won’t be much action in the Octagon tonight, I’d guess).

“Next time can we at least bring a therapy horse with us?”

That’s all for this episode!

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’You can click here for the complete recap

(Photos: MTV) 

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Brittany DeJesus (ashley Jones), Brittany DeJesus (britany DeJesus) are all featured.



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